Volume 27 The story of Buford T. Borigard and the battle of Muddlers Creek.

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 27 The story of Buford T. Borigard and the battle of Muddlers Creek.

Little is known of the flamboyant and charismatic man known as Colonel Buford T. Borigard but what is known has become legend. Like other great commanders of the Civil War Colonel Borigard truly stands as equals as such greats as Stone Wall Jackson and Ruthford B. Hayes.

The story of Colonel Borigard begins in 1862. After the long campaigns of the war and after the battle of Tobacco Hill Colonel Borigard grew weriey of all the horror and carnage unleashed upon his great nation and decided to succeed and start his own new nation free of war and bugles. In a rousing speech to his troops we get some true insight into the man.

"It is not so much the definition of the statement, as so much as it is the statement of the definition. If a man be's a cock sucker or a ball licker I say let him be a ball licking cock sucker."

With the dice thrown and his troops loyal by his side Col Borigard began to claim land for his new found country. Looking over the area he thought no other place would be better to begin then where they were already Muddlers Creek.
The men quickly went to work building a post office and many other utility buildings they would need for there fledgling nation. This was truly spring time for the men of Muddlers Creek, even though it was the middle of winter and they had no proper winter clothing and little food. A rare look into camp life at Muddlers Creek can be found by this letter from a private from the national archives.


Dear Wife, living here in Muddlers Creek is most hanis. The misquotes are bigger than liver pills, and my tent buddy Sanchez is pervert and a homosexual. I declare the raging fires of hell and damnation currently occupy my ass across this God forsaken sink hole. If this war does not end soon I will surly shit myself to the grave.

Yours Truly
Pvt. Sylis Wagner
Muddlers Creek 1863

Not much happened after this time as the porno house was finally completed. Then late spring Colonel Borigard made his bold move. Mustering the troops he climbed upon his war steed (Mr. Pickles) in his usual fashion as not to spill the can of malt liquor he was drinking. Looking down to the troops with his cold steely dead eyes he yanked on his hat, spat a big gob of chewing tobacco on the ground (actually hitting a private in the eye, but we believe this was an accident and not intentional) and addressed his army.

"Men, we will fight them over there (gesturing to the left), and we shall fight them over there (gesturing to the right).
We do this not because we want to or because we have to, but because we can. Hold your head high and fight with pride in your hearts... As I believe.. No.. As I know we have the finest porno house in all of Gods dominion."

With a rousing Hurrah from the men they marched off to begin the assault on the enemy. Colonel Borigard broke his forces into two groups with himself in command of both riding back and forth across the battle field. The enemy Amish cannons crackled and boomed as they tore through the columns of men causing many fantastic explosions with people flying through the air on fire and everything. Colonel Borigard rode high on his mount and yelled out motivational phrases to his men such as "Whoop that Ass", "Get Some", and his trademark phrase "Kiss my white gout infected ass you ball-licking-cock-suckers!". Unfortunately fate was not on his side that beautiful and sunny battle field. The superior Amish marksmen fired at Colonel Borigard, with a musket ball piercing his hand. His can of malt liquor which spun around all slow motion like with it's symbolic bullet hole in both sides showing the fate of this great man without actually showing him going down, also it was spilling beer on the ground.

Running to his side his trusted aid Pepi looked down at his cold steely dead eyes only to see the lifeless reflection of his cold steely dead eyes (the Colonels not the aids cold steely dead eyes). A legend was lost that day, a great leader of men, and a true hero to this country. Colonel Borigard was entombed in the newly opened Muddlers Creek community housing project room 9B. Mr. Pickles his trusted war horse went on to a successfully career in writing science fiction dime novels after the war. And Pepi the Colonels trusted aid only mentioned in this last part of the story was decapitated in a motorcycle accident in 1880. Today Muddlers Creek is on the national register of historic places and is visited by millions of people totally every day.