Volume 03 Abraham Lincoln Part One The Early Years 1776-1860

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 03 Abraham Lincoln Part One The Early Years 1776-1860

Before I get started on this subject I just wanted to express the personal connection and great reverence I have for this incredibly important historical person. Abraham Lincoln was a true king among men, he did great and wonderful things for all mankind for no other reason then that's the way Abe was.

Abraham Lincoln was born in a Lincoln log cabin in 1776 right after America won the revolutionary war against the British Invasion. At the time no one noticed anything cause lots of kids were born in Lincoln log cabins and everyone was at a giant celebration party talking about how much America Rocks! But someone did notice that special day, one among the many saw the touch of God and knew providence was guiding this path, Abraham Lincolns mother. As he was born magic blue lights irradiated through the small cabin as the young child sprung forth from her blessed womb. Then a true miracle happened...the young infant began to grow to full size +10. Lincoln filled the cabin stopping at 15ft tall he outstretched his arms and spoke in a rich smooth baritone voice "A HOUSE DIVIDED WILL NOT STAND" as he stood up and the cabin collapsed around him throwing little Lincoln logs everywhere. Unfortunately Abrahams mother was crushed to death as several green roof sections hit her. This was a monumental moment in Lincolns life as he was happy to have been born but really sad that he killed his mother because he was all big and clumsy like Herman Munster.

Lincoln began to head across his new home and explore all of America because he was like that. He met lots of famous people and hung out with them all the time like Johnny Apple Seed, Paul Bunion, and Rocky Raccoon. It was like the movie Easy Rider except all that hippie shit was gone cause everyone knew back then hippies were stupid and would not put up with that sort of thing cause everyone was busy exploring America. During this time Lincoln learned lots of things but he always had to keep moving as this is before he had the beard and he was all like Lurch and freaked people out all the time because he was so creepy big and all.

Lincoln liked to frequent hopping on boxcars from the Railroads to get places faster when he was tired of walking and all of Johnny Apple Seeds bullshit. One day he saw two railroad men arguing about a rail as each of them owned it but it was too big for either of them to take home and in one big piece. Abraham knew in his heart he was put in that place in time to help those two men. He lunged out of the box car grabbed the rail and tore it into two equal pieces and gave one to each of the men. They were so happy and not afraid of Lincoln as they knew he was a good person so they all started calling him old rail splitter.

After the nickname things were really going good for Abraham Lincoln.. then things got better. One day while walking around looking for a water fountain because he was thirsty he saw a large parrot sitting on a toadstool. Lincoln was not really impressed as he goes all over America and sees shit like that all the time but something amazing happened.. the parrot spoke! "Hello Abraham Lincoln, I'm Sonny the magic talking parrot and I have been sent here to help you fulfill your destiny so let's kick this mother into high gear!" Abraham became fast friends with Sonny and because Sonny was really hip and knew about image and style and stuff he totally helped Abraham get his act together. The first thing he did was make him grow a beard cause enough was enough of 30 years of running away from villagers with torches and pitchforks. The next thing he did was hook him up with this freaking giant ass hat. This thing was super huge and as Lincoln was already 15 ft tall colossus he was now like 22ft tall with that super freaky big hat! Immediately people stopped running and just started staring at that freaking enormous awesome hat. The hat was also good cause Sonny could hide in it and sit on Lincolns head and feed him lines to hot chicks with out her knowing.

With Abe's new image and Sonny getting him more ass then a toilet seat Abe was riding higher then old Ben Franklins Kite, then he met the woman of his dreams. Her name was Mary Todd and she was like a total freaky Goth chick with piercings and a tattoos. Sonny started to work him magic giving Abe all the right words but Mary Todd knew about Sonny and told him to stop that she liked Lincoln for Lincoln and would totally even be into him without the beard cause she was freaky and into shit like that. So with his new woman Mary Todd and his pal Sonny Lincoln decided it was time to settle down marry Mary Todd and raise a good honest American family.

These were happy days at the Lincoln home except for when Lincolns old friends showed up and wanted to mooch off him and get money and that really pissed off Mary Todd and one time she threatened Paul Bunion with a broken Snapple bottle. They stopped coming around after that cause they said she was a psycho bitch. Anyway besides that everything was cool and they had there first kid Tad (Short for Tadpole). Tad was all normal sized which kinda bummed Lincoln out but he still loved his son very much and was not going to let him get his ass kicked all the time because he was small. Lincoln sent Tad to Japan to train with old samurai masters in the hills and learn the ancient arts of Kung-Fu and how to become a badass. When Tad returned a few years later he was a total badass Ninja and had throwing stars and a bitching samurai sword with a dragon on the blade.

Around this time Abraham Lincoln decided to run for president as he could really do allot of good for all the people of America. Mary Todd was very supportive cause if he won she could rub it into the faces of all her old boy friends who laughed at her and treated her like shit before she met Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln moved his family to Washington into a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment while he waited for the paperwork do come back to make him president. After like freaking forever the mailman brought the letter which was a mixed blessing. It turns out some dumbass named Douglas was also wanting to be president and now they have to have an election because you can only have one president of America. This annoyed the living shit out of Lincoln as he was ready to be president now and did not have time for this asshole Douglass fucking his shit all up. But Lincoln had a pretty good plan on how to beat this turkey cold... a big debate!

The debate was on and Lincoln was ready to kick ass, as he knew with Sonny his magic talking parrot in his hat giving him all the right answers there was no way this prick Douglas had a chance. It should be noted this is one of the only times Abraham Lincoln got super pissed about anything and was not his normal lovable giant self. This is thought by many as the fact Lincoln was a product of his environment and was very accustomed to having his own way. Lets face it when a 15 ft giant goon comes lumbering out at you from the darkness you get the hell out of it's way. The man could rip steal beams apart with his bare hands for Christ's sake! Not to mention his family, that psycho bitch Mary Todd always carried a giant straight razor in her purse and Tad was a tight badass Ninja. Screwing with the Lincoln's is not something people ever thought about much.

Abraham was set and ready getting to the debate field 10 minutes early to be all ready and such. The clock struck 8 and Douglas emerged from his carriage. They crowd, onlookers, and Lincoln were all in awe as no one had ever seen Douglas before. He was just a giant head with an itty bitty body, his head was like 200 pounds alone and 5ft high which still made Douglas pretty short with that baby body so he was maybe like 5 1/2 feet tall but it was all head. As he took the platform Douglas took the platform, the coin was tossed to see who would speak first. As fates hand swung the nickel around and around in the air again it slapped Abraham Lincoln in the face as it came up on the Buffalo side (Lincoln always chose the Indian as he did not like Buffalo as they puked all the time). Douglas opened his eyes really wide and they turned all white and a loud hum started emanating from him. Lincoln being a great world traveler knew he was up against a level 8 telepath with a +4 saving throw against magical items excluding Clerical items blessed by a deity. The crowd just sat slack jawed and stupid memorized by Douglas's mind powers. Lincoln in his rich smooth baritone voice only said one word "NOW!" with Lightning speed and lots of fast lines all around him Tad ran up and cut Douglass head open with his kickass Samurai sword with the dragon on it, all Voltron like with it cutting it with a big bright light all slow and it floated there for like 5 seconds after he cut it then exploded!

With all the people free of Fathead Douglas's mind spell and knowing he was a douche for trying to run against Abraham Lincoln everyone cheered and made Abraham Lincoln the President of America! Lincoln and family were totally stoked, Marry Todd gave Lincoln a big tongue kiss and all the news papers took pictures. Lincoln gave Tad a medal for helping him be president cause he was just like that. But in his greatest moment of triumph his darkest hour crept forward. During the celebration party someone told Lincoln that the South had left the Union and started the Civil War and he was like all "No way yer shiting me, we are all like totally cool and I was just down in Hattiesburg a few months ago and they loved me."
But it was the truth the South had left the Union to start there own Union.

END OF PART ONE