Volume 03 Abraham Lincoln Part One The Early Years 1776-1860

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 03 Abraham Lincoln Part One The Early Years 1776-1860

Before I get started on this subject I just wanted to express the personal connection and great reverence I have for this incredibly important historical person. Abraham Lincoln was a true king among men, he did great and wonderful things for all mankind for no other reason then that's the way Abe was.

Abraham Lincoln was born in a Lincoln log cabin in 1776 right after America won the revolutionary war against the British Invasion. At the time no one noticed anything cause lots of kids were born in Lincoln log cabins and everyone was at a giant celebration party talking about how much America Rocks! But someone did notice that special day, one among the many saw the touch of God and knew providence was guiding this path, Abraham Lincolns mother. As he was born magic blue lights irradiated through the small cabin as the young child sprung forth from her blessed womb. Then a true miracle happened...the young infant began to grow to full size +10. Lincoln filled the cabin stopping at 15ft tall he outstretched his arms and spoke in a rich smooth baritone voice "A HOUSE DIVIDED WILL NOT STAND" as he stood up and the cabin collapsed around him throwing little Lincoln logs everywhere. Unfortunately Abrahams mother was crushed to death as several green roof sections hit her. This was a monumental moment in Lincolns life as he was happy to have been born but really sad that he killed his mother because he was all big and clumsy like Herman Munster.

Lincoln began to head across his new home and explore all of America because he was like that. He met lots of famous people and hung out with them all the time like Johnny Apple Seed, Paul Bunion, and Rocky Raccoon. It was like the movie Easy Rider except all that hippie shit was gone cause everyone knew back then hippies were stupid and would not put up with that sort of thing cause everyone was busy exploring America. During this time Lincoln learned lots of things but he always had to keep moving as this is before he had the beard and he was all like Lurch and freaked people out all the time because he was so creepy big and all.

Lincoln liked to frequent hopping on boxcars from the Railroads to get places faster when he was tired of walking and all of Johnny Apple Seeds bullshit. One day he saw two railroad men arguing about a rail as each of them owned it but it was too big for either of them to take home and in one big piece. Abraham knew in his heart he was put in that place in time to help those two men. He lunged out of the box car grabbed the rail and tore it into two equal pieces and gave one to each of the men. They were so happy and not afraid of Lincoln as they knew he was a good person so they all started calling him old rail splitter.

After the nickname things were really going good for Abraham Lincoln.. then things got better. One day while walking around looking for a water fountain because he was thirsty he saw a large parrot sitting on a toadstool. Lincoln was not really impressed as he goes all over America and sees shit like that all the time but something amazing happened.. the parrot spoke! "Hello Abraham Lincoln, I'm Sonny the magic talking parrot and I have been sent here to help you fulfill your destiny so let's kick this mother into high gear!" Abraham became fast friends with Sonny and because Sonny was really hip and knew about image and style and stuff he totally helped Abraham get his act together. The first thing he did was make him grow a beard cause enough was enough of 30 years of running away from villagers with torches and pitchforks. The next thing he did was hook him up with this freaking giant ass hat. This thing was super huge and as Lincoln was already 15 ft tall colossus he was now like 22ft tall with that super freaky big hat! Immediately people stopped running and just started staring at that freaking enormous awesome hat. The hat was also good cause Sonny could hide in it and sit on Lincolns head and feed him lines to hot chicks with out her knowing.

With Abe's new image and Sonny getting him more ass then a toilet seat Abe was riding higher then old Ben Franklins Kite, then he met the woman of his dreams. Her name was Mary Todd and she was like a total freaky Goth chick with piercings and a tattoos. Sonny started to work him magic giving Abe all the right words but Mary Todd knew about Sonny and told him to stop that she liked Lincoln for Lincoln and would totally even be into him without the beard cause she was freaky and into shit like that. So with his new woman Mary Todd and his pal Sonny Lincoln decided it was time to settle down marry Mary Todd and raise a good honest American family.

These were happy days at the Lincoln home except for when Lincolns old friends showed up and wanted to mooch off him and get money and that really pissed off Mary Todd and one time she threatened Paul Bunion with a broken Snapple bottle. They stopped coming around after that cause they said she was a psycho bitch. Anyway besides that everything was cool and they had there first kid Tad (Short for Tadpole). Tad was all normal sized which kinda bummed Lincoln out but he still loved his son very much and was not going to let him get his ass kicked all the time because he was small. Lincoln sent Tad to Japan to train with old samurai masters in the hills and learn the ancient arts of Kung-Fu and how to become a badass. When Tad returned a few years later he was a total badass Ninja and had throwing stars and a bitching samurai sword with a dragon on the blade.

Around this time Abraham Lincoln decided to run for president as he could really do allot of good for all the people of America. Mary Todd was very supportive cause if he won she could rub it into the faces of all her old boy friends who laughed at her and treated her like shit before she met Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln moved his family to Washington into a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment while he waited for the paperwork do come back to make him president. After like freaking forever the mailman brought the letter which was a mixed blessing. It turns out some dumbass named Douglas was also wanting to be president and now they have to have an election because you can only have one president of America. This annoyed the living shit out of Lincoln as he was ready to be president now and did not have time for this asshole Douglass fucking his shit all up. But Lincoln had a pretty good plan on how to beat this turkey cold... a big debate!

The debate was on and Lincoln was ready to kick ass, as he knew with Sonny his magic talking parrot in his hat giving him all the right answers there was no way this prick Douglas had a chance. It should be noted this is one of the only times Abraham Lincoln got super pissed about anything and was not his normal lovable giant self. This is thought by many as the fact Lincoln was a product of his environment and was very accustomed to having his own way. Lets face it when a 15 ft giant goon comes lumbering out at you from the darkness you get the hell out of it's way. The man could rip steal beams apart with his bare hands for Christ's sake! Not to mention his family, that psycho bitch Mary Todd always carried a giant straight razor in her purse and Tad was a tight badass Ninja. Screwing with the Lincoln's is not something people ever thought about much.

Abraham was set and ready getting to the debate field 10 minutes early to be all ready and such. The clock struck 8 and Douglas emerged from his carriage. They crowd, onlookers, and Lincoln were all in awe as no one had ever seen Douglas before. He was just a giant head with an itty bitty body, his head was like 200 pounds alone and 5ft high which still made Douglas pretty short with that baby body so he was maybe like 5 1/2 feet tall but it was all head. As he took the platform Douglas took the platform, the coin was tossed to see who would speak first. As fates hand swung the nickel around and around in the air again it slapped Abraham Lincoln in the face as it came up on the Buffalo side (Lincoln always chose the Indian as he did not like Buffalo as they puked all the time). Douglas opened his eyes really wide and they turned all white and a loud hum started emanating from him. Lincoln being a great world traveler knew he was up against a level 8 telepath with a +4 saving throw against magical items excluding Clerical items blessed by a deity. The crowd just sat slack jawed and stupid memorized by Douglas's mind powers. Lincoln in his rich smooth baritone voice only said one word "NOW!" with Lightning speed and lots of fast lines all around him Tad ran up and cut Douglass head open with his kickass Samurai sword with the dragon on it, all Voltron like with it cutting it with a big bright light all slow and it floated there for like 5 seconds after he cut it then exploded!

With all the people free of Fathead Douglas's mind spell and knowing he was a douche for trying to run against Abraham Lincoln everyone cheered and made Abraham Lincoln the President of America! Lincoln and family were totally stoked, Marry Todd gave Lincoln a big tongue kiss and all the news papers took pictures. Lincoln gave Tad a medal for helping him be president cause he was just like that. But in his greatest moment of triumph his darkest hour crept forward. During the celebration party someone told Lincoln that the South had left the Union and started the Civil War and he was like all "No way yer shiting me, we are all like totally cool and I was just down in Hattiesburg a few months ago and they loved me."
But it was the truth the South had left the Union to start there own Union.

END OF PART ONE

Volume 08 Judge Crater defender of the Red Planet.

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 08 Judge Crater defender of the Red Planet.

Again it is my job to bring you information on yet another important historical subject we really do not know allot about. As a historian this kind of thing is common and what makes me strive to search the annals of time for answers to quench my thirst of historical knowledge.

Judge Crater arrived on Earth on the tale of Halley's Comet in 1865 at the end of the Civil War. The huge red meteor made a large crater in the soft New Jersey sand thus the locals called him Crater when he emerged from his space cocoon. He was very upset that he missed the Civil War because he was a born warrior and had come to Earth to help Abraham Lincoln free all the slaves. Unfortunately he did not know Halley's Comet was created by God with a tear he wept when Abraham Lincoln was assassinated (See Volume 23 Halley's Comet God weeps for our beloved fallen father Abraham Lincoln).

Crater mostly hung around doing odd jobs around town and provoking the Spanish to get into a War. At this time his life all changed as he got a notice to go to jury duty. Crater like all good Americans was over joyed to being picked despite the fact he was an unregistered illegal space alien with out a green card living in our country.

Crater raced to the courthouse to begin his civic duties. He waited in a room for hours with lots of other people, it was really boring and all the magazines were like 20 years old. When they called him forward the woman gasp at Crater and told him to leave at once. Enraged at this injustice Crater atomized the woman on the spot with his heat vision. He then stormed into the Court Room and walked right up to the Judge and ripped out his heart right through his chest. Holding the heart high above his head he looked at the mesmerized court house and in a triumphant howl he announced " I am now Judge Crater" he then took a large bite of the heart and threw the rest on the floor. History was made that day in that New Jersey court house.

Judge Crater went on for many many years judging people. Guilty for some Innocent for others, those that enraged him met swift death with his atomic death eye beams. These were good times for Judge Crater and his thirst for battle was gone with him being a Judge and all. This would be the a good end for Judge Crater but this is where his tale really takes off.

While walking down the street in the 1920's he felt a phi brain wave from Lord Zoloft the Galactic Ruler of all of Mars. He was to return at once as Mars again needed their best warrior. Getting back into his red meteor he shot back into space to his home. On the way back he hooked up with the Martian armada and was given command of a squadron of Omega Class space fighters. The battle was really cool with space fighters shooting lasers and blowing up. Judge crater totally rocked and was blowing up everyone all by himself. After a few hours Mars had won and Judge Crater was the man of the hour. As he was landing his space fighter he looked up and it truly was a miracle as he saw Halley's Commit and knew that he must free all the slaves on Mars, and he did.

Volume 27 The story of Buford T. Borigard and the battle of Muddlers Creek.

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 27 The story of Buford T. Borigard and the battle of Muddlers Creek.

Little is known of the flamboyant and charismatic man known as Colonel Buford T. Borigard but what is known has become legend. Like other great commanders of the Civil War Colonel Borigard truly stands as equals as such greats as Stone Wall Jackson and Ruthford B. Hayes.

The story of Colonel Borigard begins in 1862. After the long campaigns of the war and after the battle of Tobacco Hill Colonel Borigard grew weriey of all the horror and carnage unleashed upon his great nation and decided to succeed and start his own new nation free of war and bugles. In a rousing speech to his troops we get some true insight into the man.

"It is not so much the definition of the statement, as so much as it is the statement of the definition. If a man be's a cock sucker or a ball licker I say let him be a ball licking cock sucker."

With the dice thrown and his troops loyal by his side Col Borigard began to claim land for his new found country. Looking over the area he thought no other place would be better to begin then where they were already Muddlers Creek.
The men quickly went to work building a post office and many other utility buildings they would need for there fledgling nation. This was truly spring time for the men of Muddlers Creek, even though it was the middle of winter and they had no proper winter clothing and little food. A rare look into camp life at Muddlers Creek can be found by this letter from a private from the national archives.


Dear Wife, living here in Muddlers Creek is most hanis. The misquotes are bigger than liver pills, and my tent buddy Sanchez is pervert and a homosexual. I declare the raging fires of hell and damnation currently occupy my ass across this God forsaken sink hole. If this war does not end soon I will surly shit myself to the grave.

Yours Truly
Pvt. Sylis Wagner
Muddlers Creek 1863

Not much happened after this time as the porno house was finally completed. Then late spring Colonel Borigard made his bold move. Mustering the troops he climbed upon his war steed (Mr. Pickles) in his usual fashion as not to spill the can of malt liquor he was drinking. Looking down to the troops with his cold steely dead eyes he yanked on his hat, spat a big gob of chewing tobacco on the ground (actually hitting a private in the eye, but we believe this was an accident and not intentional) and addressed his army.

"Men, we will fight them over there (gesturing to the left), and we shall fight them over there (gesturing to the right).
We do this not because we want to or because we have to, but because we can. Hold your head high and fight with pride in your hearts... As I believe.. No.. As I know we have the finest porno house in all of Gods dominion."

With a rousing Hurrah from the men they marched off to begin the assault on the enemy. Colonel Borigard broke his forces into two groups with himself in command of both riding back and forth across the battle field. The enemy Amish cannons crackled and boomed as they tore through the columns of men causing many fantastic explosions with people flying through the air on fire and everything. Colonel Borigard rode high on his mount and yelled out motivational phrases to his men such as "Whoop that Ass", "Get Some", and his trademark phrase "Kiss my white gout infected ass you ball-licking-cock-suckers!". Unfortunately fate was not on his side that beautiful and sunny battle field. The superior Amish marksmen fired at Colonel Borigard, with a musket ball piercing his hand. His can of malt liquor which spun around all slow motion like with it's symbolic bullet hole in both sides showing the fate of this great man without actually showing him going down, also it was spilling beer on the ground.

Running to his side his trusted aid Pepi looked down at his cold steely dead eyes only to see the lifeless reflection of his cold steely dead eyes (the Colonels not the aids cold steely dead eyes). A legend was lost that day, a great leader of men, and a true hero to this country. Colonel Borigard was entombed in the newly opened Muddlers Creek community housing project room 9B. Mr. Pickles his trusted war horse went on to a successfully career in writing science fiction dime novels after the war. And Pepi the Colonels trusted aid only mentioned in this last part of the story was decapitated in a motorcycle accident in 1880. Today Muddlers Creek is on the national register of historic places and is visited by millions of people totally every day.

Volume 47 Reggie Whitehead the fastest man of no man's land.

ALL TRUE TALES OF WAR

Volume 47 Reggie Whitehead the fastest man of no man's land.

It was 1918 and the United States just became involved in the Great War in Europe. Thousands of young men left there huts and tribes and took up arms to fight the Kaisers army of zombie Nazi's. Although all of these brave young souls did there part but one name stands above and beyond the rest, Reggie Whitehead.

Reggie was not unlike other young men raised on corn and wheat of his age. Only Reggie was fast.. which again was not very uncommon of other men of the age as everyone ran around really fast all the time back then. But Reggie was like all Bruce Lee crazy fast where you gotta slow down the film to see him and shit.

So one day Reggie was all running around when his crazy French machine gun fell apart again. Our government did not want our super BARS to fall into the wrinkled undead hands of the enemy so the French made us these big heavy guns that did not really work well as they fell apart all the time and I think fired nerf pellets. Anyway Reggie started picking up the pieces of his gun that were visible as it was always muddy in Noman's land and he did not want to get his hands all dirty and yucky when he had this boss idea. "Hey, I think I can make a Pizza oven out of this stuff!"

Reggie quickly went to work in the trenches making his Pizza oven and after a quick montage it was all finished. All of his comrades cheered with glee as they were really hungry and could afford moderately priced Pizza. And because Reggie was so fast he could run across the field and deliver Pizza's hella fast which earned him really good tips.One account from an Officer had this to remark about young Reggie.

"That dude is like fucking totally fast, like three times faster then that Speedy Gonzales mother fucker!. One time he was running over the war torn corps laden land and the bullets turned into steam, Coke became Pepsi, and I found my car keys. So I know God is watching over us."

And Because young Reggie understood his market place and only used quality ingredients from local farmers Reggie finally earned enough money to go to college even though his dad was all against him and told him he was gonna fail all the time. Reggie graduated at the top of his class with a Masters degree in English. After the war he went back to Finland look at where his life really began to boom. He stepped on a land mine and died...but as his flaming corpes rocketed up in the air the onlookers swore there was a smile on Reggies face so it must have been what he wanted.

About the author! (me)

My name is Josh McBrian I am 13 years old and home schooled by my Great Grandmother (Nanna) in Mazoola Falls Montana. I really dig on history of all kinds and it always makes me sad that other kids my age are not as into as I am so I created this blog to help them out with liking history and stuff.

About my gift!

I know I am truley blessed and endowed with this great gift of telling it like it was. Like the Gods of old giving Pursius that invisible cloak, eagle sheild, and that tottally bitching robot owl.... they have given me powerful gifts to travel back in time and talk to the ghosts of the dead. Everyone asks if it is scary what I do but not it all. It feels like when you are varnishing wood chairs in the garage with the door closed and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling. I always know no harm can befall me and I always wake up right back in the garage safe and sound.

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I always love hearing from my many fans and other kids I have helped with my blog. If you like what I am doing please drop me a line yo, and if you don't please don't write me as I only use my gift for good so if you don't like it that means you are wicked and will burn in hell with Uncle Charlie as my Nanna always says.

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Josh